Finding Laura: A rebirth story
I did something necessary for my well-being.
I went on a retreat at a hot spring location in Colorado. It was my first time away overnight since my now 16-month-old baby was born and I was gone for 7 sleeps. It was not easy. I think I cried every day, because I missed my kids so much, but each day it got a little better.
So why was this necessary? I felt like I lost myself, like a shell of Laura. And I read a quote recently that gave me pause and I’d like to share it with you.
You aren’t lost, you’re just in an uncomfortable stage of your life where your old self is gone but your new self isn’t fully born yet. You’re in the midst of transformation. ~ Marcos Alvarado
Phew was I in an uncomfortable stage! My daughter was born June 2022, we were navigating raising two kids, my husband’s symphony schedule and teaching career, and my freelance life. We barely made time for our marriage and ourselves. We needed a change, and I knew it started with each of us looking inward.
Pre-retreat airport selfie.
In between being a mom, working part time for a nonprofit organization in town, creating my website, coaching, and trying to be a supportive wife, I felt lost. I was wearing a lot of hats; Once I wore all these hats… expresses a lot of what I was feeling in poem. Yeah … it’s a lot (I know) … I lost sight of Laura.
I just turned 37 and 7 is a lucky/insightful number for me. It felt like I was meant to rediscover myself, be reborn - be comfortable with who I am now - and Moffat, CO was where it was going to happen.
I did everything I could to make my family ready. Said all my goodbyes, gave lots of hugs and kisses, and cried as my mom drove me to the airport. As much as I needed this, I wasn’t ready for the flood of emotions I was experiencing.
The first 48 hours away, I didn’t know how to be alone. I was buzzing and looking for anything to do. I talked to everybody and felt this unbelievable sadness and guilt for carving out this time for myself. I felt like I had to justify why I left my babies at home, why I needed all this rest when my husband wasn’t sleeping or resting.
Then as the days went on, I found peace and joy in that little yurt. I went on walks by myself. I soaked in hot spring pools and barely said a word to anyone outside of my retreat sessions. I sat in silence and took in the beauty and grandeur around me. The mountains were breath taking and surrounded where I was staying. The sky was vast and blue during the day, in the morning the clouds would sit on the mountain tops, and at night the starry sky blanketed the mountains and earth. I often left my yurt around 3am to use the restroom and would be in awe of seeing that many stars. It was unreal and there wasn’t one picture I took that captured how incredible it was. Even now I struggle to find the words to describe what I saw and felt. I’ve never seen that many stars before.
Left image: view from my bed inside the yurt.
Middle image: Me at the mid-way point in my retreat.
Right image: MY YURT!!!
I also prayed a lot. I prayed and then listened. Something I do at home when I start my day and end my day. I often pray during times of joy and hardship, it’s something I do silently. But while on this retreat, I found this labyrinth and experienced something I’ve never experienced before.
I went on a meditative walk through the labyrinth and spent so much time with God. I felt at peace. If you’ve never experienced a labyrinth, I highly suggest it. It was serene, loving, and supportive. At one point, I felt silly following the path and I heard a voice. Was it God? I like to think so. I heard, “my daughter, slow down.” So, I slowed down. I realized I wasn’t alone and that this time was for me to experience tremendous support. For me to learn that this space I’m creating for myself is necessary and that I am never alone because God is always there.
It wasn’t my first retreat and this time; it didn’t take long to find my new self. I was coming into my new self and at the same time it felt like a homecoming. It turns out that I really like the new parts too.
Deep down I’ve always liked who I am but now I’m trusting who I am. I have always been expressive, quirky, loving, creative, strong, organized, and now I’m sharing more of these parts.
The new parts of me are the ones that I’ve hidden because I had this strong belief that if I wasn’t like this when I was younger, then how can I own these parts of me now? Well, you know what that’s called? It’s called growth, maturity, and self-awareness. I’m super proud of my growth! I shine a light on the shadowy areas in my life, I get intimate with the emotions I am experiencing and what my body is feeling. Is this easy? No, not always - and quite honestly, it doesn’t always feel good.
Equanimity is my new self.
Equanimity is defined as mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.
So now that I’ve become more acquainted with this part of myself and am sharing more of myself with the world, I get to exhale and be more of me every day. BECAUSE I’m no longer holding my breath wondering what someone is going to think of me; their opinion of me doesn’t matter (thanks for this gem Tanya Penny!). I’m always growing and evolving, and I now believe and embody that it’s okay to go through these shifts. Even the ones that don’t feel good, the ones that cause us to look deep within, the ones that challenge us.
To be honest, I had to release A LOT to get to this point! Leading up to the retreat and during the retreat, I released a lot of past wounds, experiences of being bullied/teased in school, people, and old ways/patterns. I won’t go into all the nitty gritty details because … well … I’m just not ready to share those details of my healing journey.
But I was ready. I wasn’t pushing myself to do this. I eased into it, I approached everything with compassion and love for myself, and I surrounded myself with people who I feel safe being around.
As to why I couldn’t make this shift and be reborn at home? I think I was afraid I wouldn’t like myself. Leading up to this healing retreat, I was stuffing my emotions with food and social media, and overworking. I avoided what I was feeling. I didn’t give myself time to connect with me. And I know what it feels like now. There was a lot of fear, self-doubt, and feeling not good enough. On the surface, I was aware of what needed to be done, I just needed that safe container to do so.
My intention for the retreat was to figure out who Laura is now.
My post-retreat intention is to keep this part of me alive and keep connecting with myself at home, in the thick of it all.
Am I doing it? Yeah, I think so.
I’m journaling and using guided Therapeutic Meditation Processes (TMPs) daily. I have journals/papers around the house that I write on just to clear my head since I can’t always get to my main journal in our room.
I’m praying and connecting with God every day, at least once a day.
I’m sitting with myself as I make big decisions for myself and our family.
Always talking with my husband/my sounding board and support.
Remembering to trust myself, because I know myself best.
And scheduling a necessary session with my coach after nights of not sleeping because the kids were sick.
It’s been slow and steady. Mind you, I used to be quick to change and then not be able to sustain it.
So, this time, I’m taking my time, I’m trusting myself, and enjoying the process. I still feel a need to rush and I’m working with that part of me. I’m also not liking all the guidance/gut-knowings I’m receiving. Regardless of me not liking them, I’m following them. More to come on this soon.
Do I feel reborn? Yeah, kind of. I actually feel like I am working with an overflowing cup. Is it overflowing every day? No. But, if I look at my progress and life over a week’s time, yes, my cup is overflowing so I can be there for my children and husband. I want to be supportive and loving and not at the expense of my well-being.
To be clear, my husband never made me feel like I had to do it all by myself. That was a belief I held all on my own. Just like you other superhumans out there - I promise it’s okay to ask for help and actually receive that support you desperately need. My husband’s a true partner and was supportive of me going on this retreat. As an example, we alternate the morning routine so the other can get some more rest (or whatever it is they need) and we each see what needs to be done in the house (SO MUCH LAUNDRY, HAHA!). We also check in with each other throughout the day because raising two kids is hard, and we each have our passions that we’re pursuing. Is it perfect? Absolutely not, we have our struggles. And I don’t even know what perfect would look like, so we aren’t even using that as a benchmark. Stay tuned for a blog post on benchmarks and my new definition of success.
What I do know is that I’m happy and I feel like Laura again, knowing that I was always fully Laura just in transition. I love where I am now in life and believe I am exactly where I am meant to be. I’m allowing myself to breathe, the grounding inhale and relaxing exhale. I’m giving myself the space to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to fail and learn. I’m also going at a much slower pace; mostly my children’s pace because they take a much longer time to do things AND they seem to enjoy the process way more than I do (there’s a lesson in there). Because at the end of the day, we’re human beings, not human doings (another beautiful Tanya Penny-ism).
If you read this far and you’re where I was a few months ago, reach out to me or someone in your life to get that extra support we all need. I’d love to be that support for you. You can always reach out to me by clicking here.
Much love, L.J.
